There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
