i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
where are you?
Hypothermia
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
