this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
