The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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