You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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