my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
And then he peed in my hair
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