I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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