i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
