I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
bring money and cleavage
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
