All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I smell stomach acid.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
