I think im going to throw up on grandma
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I checked into jail on foursquare
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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