The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Never underestimate the power of titties
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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