I think I am morally bankrupt
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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