I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
