Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
