Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
