The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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