it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
so much tequila, so little girl.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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