Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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