i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
