five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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