i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
