I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
