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Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
