im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Randomize
