paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
