why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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