Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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