Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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