U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
