you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
