Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
