You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
