i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
