This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
