My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
