used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
