So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
