I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
