you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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