I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
