I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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