Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
