Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
