Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
