I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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