how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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