Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
