oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
