I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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