Can i not drive my cunt home
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
